Rain has been falling from time to time. Sometimes, lightning and thunder preceded the shower. A constant stream of cooling breeze blows throughout the day. This weather should be a great relief from the discomfort of the hot and humid conditions I have been experiencing for the past few weeks. The lethargy that had dogged me for a good part of those unpleasant weeks has been washed away, only to be replaced by bouts of melancholy.

Last week had not been a productive one. Nothing much was accomplished. When my mind is troubled, insomnia sets in. Many nights of sleep were lost to playing online games right into early mornings. When the surau opposite called the Muslims to their first prayer of the day, that signalled bedtime for me. When I do not get more than ten hours of sleep daily, I would get all prickly and withdrawn. And the cycle continues.

Sunlit hours were whiled away surfing, reading blogs and napping. To some, this may seem like having an easy and relaxed life. I tell you, this is absolute boredom. There are an assortment of chores that needs to be done but I am mentally too lazy to perform any of them. Melancholy is more destructive than it sounds. It saps the body of its physical energy and drains the mind of its optimistic outlook.

Like everyone else, I can be beleaguered by depression and mood swings. Luckily for me, these mood swings appear and leave just as fast. For this current melancholic episode, I spent long hours looking out the window. The view is still as fascinating as it was when I first saw it five years ago. What mesmerized me most were the cloud formations that drifted by. Large fluffy white masses that constantly changed shapes and direction.

Life as clouds must be carefree. They go where the wind takes them. They are yielding. They looked serene bobbing about in the blue sky. Somehow, spending those time observing these little droplets of water in their unsynchronised dance in the heavens lifted my spirits. Problems floated away and were soon forgotten. Daily struggles with my disabilities did not seem that gruelling anymore. Life did not appear that gloomy after all. Cloud watching is therapeutic indeed. I recommend it to anyone who is being encumbered by the drudgery of everyday living. It worked wonders for me. I am sure it will work for you, too.

There is a bumper harvest of durians in Balik Pulau. That translates to good durians that are cheap and delicious. Wuan made a quick trip to Penang yesterday. We went to Balik Pulau this afternoon with Peter for a feast of the thorny kind. Peter took us there via the old windy road from Bayan Lepas to Balik Pulau. All along the way, we could see durian trees with their fruits hanging precariously over the road.

As we turned into Jalan Tun Sardon, we were greeted by makeshift stalls overflowing with durians. I have never seen so many durians before. Everywhere we turned, there were durians, heaps and heaps of them. They were grouped according to size and quality and placed in baskets waiting to be transported by lorries to Perak, Kuala Lumpur and other parts of Malaysia. According to Wuan, Jusco in Taman Maluri was selling Balik Pulau durians at RM30 per kilo.

Wuan and I prefer the smaller sized �old tree� durians. Old tree durians come from some of the older trees in Balik Pulau, if not the oldest, which have smoother textured flesh and gives off the more authentic durian fragrance. Some of these trees are more than one hundred years old and still producing fruits abundantly. The more popular durians now are bud-grafted and their flesh are not as refined.

A good durian must exude a strong aroma that is both pungent and sweet-smelling at the same time. Its flesh must be sticky but not watery. The taste and flavour varies, depending on the tree and locality. It can range from sweet to bitter. Some prefer durians with orangey coloured flesh. We are not that particular as long as its flesh is sticky, its smell pungent and its taste strong. Wuan prefers the bitter tasting durians. I prefer the sweeter ones. We had several varieties that we ate to our hearts� content. That was our lunch. We also bought some mangosteens for dessert later.

These came in the mail on Saturday. Pauline had sent four Reggie Lee calendars that had been personally autographed by the man himself. These were commissioned by Maxis and Carlsberg. Two are for Wuan and the other two for me. Thanks Reggie, and also to Pauline for sending these hilarious calendars.

Peter and me on my 19th birthday (1985)

The road is long With a many a winding turns That leads us to who knows where Who knows where But I’m strong Strong enough to carry him. He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother

The Hollies� He Ain�t Heavy, He�s My Brother never failed to tug at my heartstrings. Many times when the burdens of life weighed me down, I wished I had a brother who would carry me through those arduous patches. A recognizable voice, a firm pat on the back and a knowing concerned look would have been more than enough to soothe a troubled mind. Knowing that one has a sibling who will always be there come rain or shine is like living in a house with a foundation so strong that no storm can blow it down. That should be a concerting feeling indeed.

So on we go His welfare is of my concern No burden is he to bear We’ll get there For I know He would not encumber me He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother

Beyond doubt, I was a burden to those who had to care for me. Without the goodness of all the people around us who had so kindly lent a helping whenever we needed one, Mum would have had a difficult time looking after me. How many of us would expect our mothers to nurse us when they are already into their sixties and seventies? Mum never complained. Still, there were some activities that were beyond Mum. And most of the time, Mum would call on her nephew Peter for assistance. Mum was the eldest and Peter’s father was the second in a family of five siblings. Every Saturday, for years, he would diligently ferry me to physiotherapy and helped me with the exercises. Peter never complained, too.

If I’m laden at all I’m laden with sadness That everyone’s heart Isn’t filled with the gladness Of love for one another

Before I was strong enough to transfer myself to and from the wheelchair, Peter would gingerly carry me into and out of the car. That is why whenever I hear this song there would be tenderness deep in my heart. Try carrying a 180cm and 65kg paralysed body with limbs flopping all over and you can begin to see the burden that he had partaken. That was despite having two bad knees that he suffered in an accident that involved his superbike crashing and then sliding under a speeding truck. It was a miracle that he came out of that alive. Now he still takes me everywhere whenever I asked him. Everyday I pray that he will be blessed for all the goodness that he had so selflessly showered on me. Thank you cousin. Truly, you are the brother I never had.

It’s a long, long road From which there is no return While we’re on the way to there Why not share And the load Doesn’t weigh me down at all He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.

Spinal Cord Injury (SCI) is more than what is visually obvious. What most people see are the physically visible aspects � weakened limbs, clawed hands, spasmodic gaits, atrophied muscles and the ubiquitous wheelchair. SCI does more than paralyse the arms and legs. Depending on the extent and level of the damage to the vertebra and spinal cord, the diaphragm right down to the bladder and bowel may be affected.

In my case, I suffer a partial lesion which means my spinal cord is not totally severed but damaged at the fifth (C5) and sixth (C6) cervical vertebra. A C5 injury affects the diaphragm which in turn affects breathing. This level of damage also affects the wrists and hands. I get breathless easily while doing strenuous tasks. I need suppositories to empty my bowels and drain the urine from my bladder every few hours with a catheter. Those are the least of my problems as I have worked them into a routine which allows me a certain degree of freedom.

Unbeknownst to many, spinal cord injury affects the body�s ability to perspire, too. As my body is unable to regulate temperature properly, any change from the usual range of temperature will make me extremely uncomfortable. This current hot spell has severely constrained my daily activities. Most days, I lounge about with the ceiling fan at full blast and generally feeling languid. The air conditioner looks inviting. On the other hand, cold is one of those factors that will set off spasms in my legs. That is why I try to minimise using it. Additionally, Detrusitol, the medicine that I am taking to alleviate my neurogenic bladder, causes drying of the mouth, eyes and skin. This aggravates the problem further. Yes, I need to be ministered to very delicately. Too much or too little from the norm and bodily discomfort will kick in. Even babies need less attention.

Being bound in lethargy throughout the day everyday is slowly wearing me down. Furthermore, my bladder spasms decided to act up the last few days. This has been a week that I wished would just quickly zip along, right up to the next rainy season. In the meantime, I am continuously hydrating myself by drinking a lot of water and cooling down by sponging throughout the day. We all know what drinking a lot of water will result in. And the cycle continues.