Managing Me

Dad is gone. Mum is gone. I sit here realising that I am the only one left. This is one day I had never envisioned. I had always thought that my parents would live forever. I had expected them to be there when I get married, when I have children and when my children have children. I had expected to grow old with them. I was young then. I had dreams. I had fears too. Living without one or both parents was out of the question. Who would I turn to should I encounter problems? Parents are supposed to do all those and more.

When I broke my neck, my parents made the all decisions on my behalf. I was in no position then to select the options for my treatment. They also took care of all the nitty-gritty pertinent to my recovery and thereafter. All I needed to do was to concentrate on my rehabilitation. Life was nearly carefree. It was reassuring to know that there would always be someone there to pull me through rough patches. They had hauled me up me from many dark episodes at great expense to their own emotional well-being.

Now I am the only one left. Dad and Mum are no longer here. I am no longer young anymore. I have learnt to solve my own problems. Well, almost all of them. I wonder what will happen should I lose the faculty to make competent decisions for myself. I am getting on with age. I am not in the pink of health. Anything can befall on me. Neurological disorders and accidents, while not eagerly anticipated, can come stealthily and rob the mind of its senses when we least expect it. The possibilities are endless. Should that day come, I wish to have someone who knows what I want to administer to my affairs and make decisions for me as I would if I were lucid.

I know this is a heavy burden to place on someone’s shoulder. Life and death situations are never easy to deal with, especially when it involves either someone we love or someone we are very close to. I have been there for Mum. I know how it is like. There is only one other person that I trust my life with now. Wuan will have to shoulder that responsibility for me. I know she is a reluctant participant in this not because she is unwilling. She is an optimist by nature. Asking her to frame her mind for the prospect of deciding on such depressing matters can be too much an obligation to ask of her. But she is all I have now and she knows my wishes exactly. I pray that the management of my life does not have come to this but if it does, I am consoled that I will be in good hands.

Author: Peter Tan

Peter Gabriel Tan. Penangite residing in the Klang Valley. Blissfully married to Wuan. A LaSallian through and through. Slave to three cats. Wheelchair user since 1984. End-stage renal disease since 2017. Principal Facilitator at Peter Tan Training specialising in Disability Equality Training. Former columnist of Breaking Barriers with The Borneo Post. This blog chronicles my life, thoughts and opinions. Connect with me on Twitter and Facebook.

6 thoughts on “Managing Me”

  1. Hey Peter,
    What’s up? You sounded morbid! Forgive me, I know what it is like having to make decisions on our loved ones’ life. It is easier to decide our own life than to decide for others. There was once I asked the doctor if he can cut out a piece of my lungs for my son and I don’t care if I die after that, as long as he can lives. But I guess God made the decision for me.

    Tsk, tsk, tsk, let’s perk up, smile and sing ‘Que sera, sera….’ (BTW, Vincent’s 3rd birthday is on this Friday and life is on a yoyo.) Maybe I should go cook myself some tau eu bak with the fattiest fat and hope the world ends before the cholestrol kicks in. Hey,can I nag you like an old cow? Kiam Hu and sam charn bak (the three layer fats) aren’t supposed to be in your diet.

  2. Lilian,
    I wanted to get my that part of my life organised. Should things develop to the stage where they are beyond my control, at least Wuan will be there administer to them accordingly.

    Moderation is the word. I limited myself to two measly pieces of salted fish which truly was not enough to satiate my cravings. Anyway, tomorrow will not see red meat in my meals.

  3. Peter, morbid and not-so-pleasant as it is to think of such things, I’m glad for you that you have thought about it, and have someone to care for things should something happen.

    Having said that, let’s continue on and enjoy what God has given us in this life.

    May you continue to be a shining light to others in this dark earth,
    May you continue to find love in the one you found
    May you strive to live out each day in the beauty and wonder that come with it
    May you see God in the wonder of living each day the best you can.

  4. Peter
    Morning … hope you remember me. ANyway, do cheer up. I read your website almost on a weekly basis.


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