The bookmark that Adel gave me.

Someone I know had an operation last week. Surgeries, no matter minor or major, are always harrowing, not only for those undergoing it, but for family and friends as well. We stood by and worried, wishing that there was something that we could do to ease the pain, the fear and the uncertainties but there was little that we could do except pray. The surgeons have done their job. Now is the time for healing - physically, emotionally and spiritually. We want you to know that no matter what, we will always stand by you, giving you all the support that we possibly can. You can always depend on us when you need someone to talk to. I do not know what faith you are inclined towards but I will lift you up to God in prayer, everyday. When all that is humanly possible has been done, the one other thing that we can do is surrender ourselves to Him. He will never allow us carry more than we can bear. Trust in His Providence and all will be well again. He has worked wonders for me. I am confident that He will do the same for you. When you feel that the world around you is falling apart, do not lose heart. Remember The Serenity Prayer. It has consoled me many times when I felt that my life was spiralling out of control. Know that irrespective of what your beliefs are, Jesus loves you all the same and is walking with you every step of the way. And also know that we are not far behind should you need us. Here is wishing you a speedy recovery. The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it, Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.

There are those who allow one tragedy to perpetually hold them down. They stay down without a struggle, never to see the beauty of day again. And then there are those who find meaning in being heartbroken and rise above the calamity to be a guiding light of hope for all who need it. Lilian is one such courageous person.

She not only recovered from the tragic loss of her baby but turned it into a crusade to help other parents in similar situations. She has put up a website dedicated to her son Vincent, runs an active website and forum on parenting and breastfeeding, and another that provides encouragement and information to caregivers of critically ill children. Lilian was also featured in In.Tech recently.

When we met after Mass today, she presented me with a book that she authored and published titled My Hero. This bilingual book in English and Chinese is a comprehensive guide for caregivers of infants and children who are warded in the intensive care unit. Within it are a glossary and notes on medical care, and most of all, the poignant journey with Vincent. The online version in PDF is available here. May God continue to bless you with courage and wisdom, Lilian. You are that flicker of light to many when darkness seems to last forever.

What do we tetraplegics dream of in our sleep? Do we walk in our dreams? Do we dream in colours? If dreams are the true reflections of our innermost sentiments, then my world is a monochromatic drama of fear, helplessness and insecurity. I used to have this vivid and recurring nightmare of suddenly plunging from a great height. Amidst the nerve-racking sensation of weightlessness and free falling, my hands would desperately flail on reflex to break the fall. Consequently I would be jolted awake, hyperventilating, heart beating rapidly and badly shaken from the ordeal.

I dream often. I know I do. The distressing part is that the moment my eyes caught light, the images that had been acting out in my mind would begin to melt into obscurity. As hard as I tried, I seldom could fully recollect those nocturnal theatrics except for fragments that made no sense when pieced together. For a while after that, it would feel like some parts of my life were missing, irretrievably lost in the muddle of my erratic psyche.

One time, I found myself swimming for my life in a swollen river that had threatened to swallow me up. I paddled and kicked with all my might but to no avail. The raging currents carried me further and further away from the muddied banks. Another time, overwhelming fear so totally paralysed me that I could hardly move. I opened my mouth to scream but no words came out. That feeling of impotence would affect me for hours later, sometimes days.

The most significant dreams I had were of Mum. I dreamt of her three months after she passed away. We were in an old fortification overlooking the sea. It was dusky. She looked dispassionate and spoke nary a word. We stood there looking at each other for a long time. Then she beckoned me to follow her. As I was deciding whether to follow her or not, I woke up. One early morning several weeks later, in the absolute darkness, I heard her voice saying, “If you do not take care of yourself, you will not live beyond two years.”

That prompted me to get my blood screened. Indeed, the results revealed that all was not well. My serum creatinine had shot up significantly, I was anaemic, my lipoprotein ratio was hovering on the borderline and those uric acid figures did not look good. That was the period which I had lapsed in looking after my health. I had refused to take the medicine that was prescribed because of the extreme side effects that I was experiencing. My intermittent catheterisation programme went to the dogs. I performed it only when I remembered instead of every four hourly. Beyond doubt, my kidneys were in a bad shape. Nevertheless the question is: Did I really hear Mum�s voice or was that just a dream? I cannot be sure but that probably had saved my kidneys from further damage.

Regardless of the nightmares that have been plaguing me every now and then, I am thankful that one thing has not changed. Do tetraplegics walk in their dreams? I know I do, all the time, every time. In the two decades that I have been paralysed, I have never ever dreamt of being in a wheelchair. I was walking, I was running, I was swimming, but never forlornly sitting on a wheelchair. For those brief moments that my mind was allowed unrepressed creative liberty, I was free again, unshackled from the body that no longer heeded my commands. The one thing that has changed is that I have not dreamt of falling uncontrollably again after I broke my neck. That is one nightmare less to worry about.

Having had too much food cooked in coconut milk the past few days, I had to abandon the idea of cooking nasi lemak this weekend. The prawns that had been sitting in the freezer have to be cooked anyhow lest they lose their freshness. Prawns are no less in cholesterol than coconut milk but it is a change from the creaminess and sweetness of bubur cha-cha. Asam prawns was the first choice but I thought sambal prawns would be more appetising. And indeed they were. Too much water was added but that has been adjusted in the recipe which should taste just right. I seldom eat prawns nowadays because I have developed a slight allergy to them. I hope this will not set off another scratching frenzy.

Sambal Prawns

Ingredients:
300g prawns, shelled and deveined

Paste
10 shallots
6 red chillies, remove seeds
4 cloves garlic
2 stalks lemon grass, finely sliced
1cm section turmeric

6 tbsp cooking oil

tamarind pulp
1 cup (250ml) hot water

2 tbsp sugar, or to taste
� tsp salt, or to taste

Steep tamarind pulp in hot water for 20 minutes and then strain to get the water only. Pound paste ingredients until fine. Heat oil in wok and fry paste ingredients until fragrant. Add strained tamarind water and bring to boil. Add sugar and salt. Add prawns and bring to boil again. Serve hot with rice.

Bubur cha-cha is a popular Nyonya dessert of sweet potato, yam, black-eyed beans, tapioca jelly and sago pearls in thick coconut milk. As a child, whenever it was cooked at home, I would eat bowl after bowl. Those times, the word �cholesterol� was never heard of. Preparing the bubur cha-cha is time consuming as each ingredient has to be steamed or cooked separately. Thus, it was not cooked often which made it a much yearned for delicacy.

I had bubur cha-cha at Cynthia�s house last night, skilfully prepared by Robert, who is an accomplished cook in his own right. He added water chestnut, too, in addition to all the usual ingredients. Incidentally, I have already bought the stuff for making the same dessert when I went grocery shopping earlier and had planned to cook it today which I did. I threw caution to the wind and indulged again today with an extra large bowl. Now, the pangs of guilt are slowly settling in. It will be a very long time again when I commit another dietary sin like this. It was fun while it lasted though.

Bubur Cha-Cha
(This recipe is adapted from The Star’s Nyonya Flavours cookbook.)

Ingredients:
300g yam, diced
300g sweet potato, diced

80g black-eyed beans, soaked in hot water for 2 hours

100g sago pearls

100g tapioca starch
boiling water

3 cups thick coconut milk
100g sugar, or to taste
3 pandan leaves, knotted

Steam yam and sweet potato separately until soft (about 20 minutes) and set aside.

Remove the beans from the water it had been soaking in and cook in boiling water until soft. Remove and set aside.

Cook sago pearls in a pot of boiling until they become translucent (about one half hour). Remove and set aside.

Using a spatula, add boiling water to the tapioca starch in a mixing bowl, bit by bit until it becomes doughy. Mix well. When it can be handled with bare hands, roll into 1cm thickness and cut into strips. Cook in boiling water until they become translucent (about one half hour). Remove and soak in iced water until needed.

Put coconut milk, sugar and knotted pandan leaves into a pot and bring to a gentle boil, stirring continuously. Add yam, sweet potato, black-eyed beans, tapioca jelly and sago pearls and mix well. Serve hot or cold.