One Of Those Odd Days

Photo taken by Wuan at St. Francis Xavier Church.

For a good part of last month and this, I have been alternating between lofty spirits and heavy swirls of negativities. Depression has been a constant companion. I blame that on the weather, on medication, on diet, on health, on everything else. My conversations with God has been far and few in between. My spiritual rudder broke in the midst of all those disheartening events that had been plaguing me lately.

Most times, like a man trapped in quicksand, I trashed about, hoping, praying, and trying to prevent myself from sinking deeper. That, no doubt, was an exercise in futility. The more I struggled, the deeper I sank. On really bad days, I became extremely listless. My senses numbed and my reflexes slowed. Getting up from bed took great effort. That alone would drain me of spirit and energy.

On the odd days when the pall seemed to be lifting, I still get tired fast. Performing the simplest of tasks would leave me breathless. My attention span was brief at its best. I would rather listen to music than watch television. Too much stimuli would overload my senses to the extent that I would feel boxed-in. Nevertheless, on those few good days, living was more bearable.

Today – today is another of those odd days. Words, although they do not pour in torrents, are trickling in constant droplets, just enough for me to write coherently. The sun is shinning bright. The constant stream of breeze is surprisingly cool and refreshing. I am in a jovial mood. And I even had a t?te-?-t?te with God this morning, the first in many days. Things are looking good. If only everyday is like this.

Not wanting to let this buoyant mood go to waste, I finished a short inspirational piece that I began writing when Wuan was here in February. It is a reminder to myself of this faith journey with Jesus that I have wholeheartedly embraced. It is also to lead me back to the right path should my faith become shallow, like what has been happening lately.

Take this torch, son, and follow the trail that it illuminates before you. The path ahead will not always be easy. Sometimes it is wide and well trodden. The glow will be thrown far. You will be able to see what is ahead of you clearly. Sometimes it will be narrow and windy. Overgrown weeds will obscure the track. Walk on anyway.

Eventually there will not even be a shadow of a path. You will think that you are lost. Keep the flame burning for you will be easily lost indeed. This light will guide you around the thickets and thorns that will be obstructing the way.

You may be weary. Do not despair. Every step that you take, no matter easy or with great effort, will bring you closer to what you are seeking. And remember, you will never be alone for I shall always be with you, till the end of time.

“I am the light of the world; anyone who follows me will not be walking in the dark, but will have the light of life.” (Jn 8:12 NJB)

Author: Peter Tan

Peter Gabriel Tan. Penangite residing in the Klang Valley. Blissfully married to Wuan. A LaSallian through and through. Slave to three cats. Wheelchair user since 1984. End-stage renal disease since 2017. Principal Facilitator at Peter Tan Training specialising in Disability Equality Training. Former columnist of Breaking Barriers with The Borneo Post. This blog chronicles my life, thoughts and opinions. Connect with me on Twitter and Facebook.

6 thoughts on “One Of Those Odd Days”

  1. May tomorrow bring you brighter cheer. May the the gentle embrace of the breeze lift your spirit. May you see the joy of God in the magic of the moment. Feel better soon!

  2. I don’t know about others, but I could sense that you were not well by the sporadic postings. Whenever there is a new entry, I know you must be feeling better to be able to post an entry. And that makes me feel relieved in a way. To know that you are well. I hope there will be more of these days. Take good care Peter.

  3. I reread your entry again. And I just want to add I’m really happy to see that you feel more upbeat. I’m channelling happy thoughts to you via God. Take care.

  4. Marita,
    Yes, I was feeling better two days ago. I was feeling even better yesterday. I hope today will be another good day. Thank you.

    Thank you for being so sensitive to my condition. Those that are close to you must be lucky indeed to have a caring person like you to look over them. God bless you.

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