Photo by Wuan.
During Mass last Sunday, Father Francis was giving his homily. ‘If you love me, you will keep my commandments,” he quoted from the gospel. But my thoughts were already drifting away. I was uncomfortable. My buttocks ached. The insides of me ached. I kept shifting uneasily. Thoughts about my recent blood test and what Dr. Liong said filled my mind.
“God, give me more time, please.”
Father continued with his homily but there was only silence I heard in the Cathedral that morning.
“How much more time do you want? Do you want to live forever?”
How much more time do I want? I have no definite answer. As I reflected back on that over the last few days, it all became increasingly clear. The months of fear and dejection began to fade away. I am reaching forty soon. How many more years do I want? What do I want to do with those years?
Live life well, that is what I keep forgetting. And I continue to forget that I can always trust in Him to know what is best for me. It does not matter if I have another year, another ten or many more. Many have passed on at much tender ages than I am now, some of them sudden. They did not even have the opportunity to say their goodbyes. I know where I am heading. I am grateful that I am being given the possibility to make something out of my life before I am called back.
I also realised that I have been sad lately more because I can no longer eat most of the food that I love. My taste buds can no longer be tantalized by those that I have yet to savour. Live to eat was the adage that I used live by. Now I eat to live. Every mouthful could potentially cause more damage. These are the inevitable frustrations. I have gone through so much. This is not going to stop me. This is my cross to bear. I have to endure it to the end nonetheless.
Really, how much more time do I want? As long as He wants to keep me here; as long as my body can carry me; as long as I have a breath, I will try to live life to the fullest. Immortality is not the kind of existence I desire. I am thankful for the thirty nine years that I already have. A simple life is all I am asking for. A simple life is what I am living now. I have Jesus. I have Wuan. I am contented, almost. Well, maybe just a little more time to accomplish something meaningful that I can truly be proud of and a little more time to spend with the woman who had given me so much. That is how much more time I wish I have.