Photo by Wuan.
Two years ago today.
Waiting for the unknown saps courage from even the bravest. There was no fitting consolation to that. A confused mind only exacerbated the situation. Unpromising as it may seem, there was always this glimmer of hope that it could turn around. Hope – that was all I had. My incessant impiety had me cast out from the mercy of the divine. I was indeed on my own, discarded to the abyss of the damned, my impassioned pleas lost in the void of darkness.
The clock ticked away. Each sixty seconds felt like an eternity. I wished it was eternity. If only time could stand still, I thought, I could keep her here forever. What profit would it be to keep the body when the soul was already one step into the other side? In moments of desperation, thoughts defied logic. A vacillation between compassion and selfishness churned wildly inside me.
Time did not stop. It trudged on ceaselessly, determined to mark off the fragility of life morsel by morsel. Waited for the inescapable I did. At the same time I surreptitiously hoped it never would arrive to collect the spoils. Even if it was adamant, would there be a reprieve? A promise was made and needed to be fulfilled. One more day was all I had begged for. Let her ears be graced by that sweet voice she was longing to hear for one last time before she is taken away forever. One more day, please…
I am lost for words ,feeling so sad and teary…….
thquah,
I know she is in a better place now. It is just that memories like these are difficult to handle sometimes. Thanks.
I am deeply touch by ur entry.. I wish I could turn back time, so that I would’ve woken up earlier.. in time to give my grandma her medicine n that asthma puff so that she didn’t leave me during the wee hours of that morning.. it took me what seemed like an eternity to even come close to what seem like forgiveness, the ability to let go of the guilt that i carried with me, for not noticing something was not right in the subconsciousness of my slumber.. its been 2.5 years now, yet what happened that morning remains as vivid in my mind as ever
jean`,
There are many things we hoped we could have done better. However, the reality is we cannot. This has taught me to give my best now to those that I love most lest I make the same mistake again. At the same time, we have to accept our limitations as humans. There are some things that are just beyond our capabilities. Those we need to forgive ourselves for and move on. Take care.