Searching For Hope In Troubled Times

Not all adverse events are bad. Some are blessings in disguise. Is this how I console myself? Perhaps. My renal failure has put some perspective into my life and the things that I want to achieve. Not a day passes without me thinking about my own mortality. Not a day passes without me thinking what I can do with the limited time that I have here.

Living with renal failure is kind of a good thing for me. There is now an urgency to make something out of my life. I believe there is a purpose why I had a spinal cord injury and now renal failure. The road ahead is already mapped. I have been shown the possibilities of how I can make things better, not only for myself, but for a whole community of my peers.

When I go meet my Maker, I want to be able to tell Him that I have made this world a better place. Is that not His purpose for each and every one of us for being here? No, I am not being morbid here. We have to go some day. I just want to be better prepared for it. Knowing that my time is limited is a boon in some ways. There is an urgency to make the best out of each day.

My creatinine and uric acid levels went up again, 241 umol/l and 416 umol/l respectively. Previous results were 222 umol/l and 405 umol/l. Dr. Liong was not too pleased with the figures and sent me back to Ms. Saw, the dietician, again. She worked out my current protein intake and fine tuned it to suit my condition. It is not much different except I need to reduce rice because that too contains some amount of protein and replace it with vegetables and fruits. That I can live with, too. I have to.

The increase in the creatinine count was expected as I had been eating hotel food for a large part of my stay in Kuala Lumpur recently, although I did adhere strictly to the protein portions allowed. Salt was a little difficult to avoid though but one particular restaurant was understanding enough to re-cook my order when the first two plates of fried rice had salt added. Amarin Heavenly Thai Restaurant at Mid Valley Megamall gets double thumbs up for that extra effort when Prof, Dr. Ramlah, Micheal and I dined there the day before the BAKTI-MIND Conference.

And then there are some things that I would rather not talk about now, some news about my renal health that got me more unsettled than before. This, although a related issue, was seen from a different perspective. It was not something new but to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth was enough to unnerve me. The facts are a little difficult to swallow for the moment. Still, I am hoping, praying, that something good will come out from all of this. It always does.

In spite of the gloom cicumstances, I am thankful to have been blessed with friends who support what I do. I have friends who are concerned with my well-being and friends whom I can count on when I need help. Most of all, I have Wuan. She is that unwavering force that persistently pushes me forward even when the conditions are not in my favour. I am truly thankful to have her by my side all these while.

Author: Peter Tan

Peter Gabriel Tan. Penangite residing in the Klang Valley. Blissfully married to Wuan. A LaSallian through and through. Slave to three cats. Wheelchair user since 1984. End-stage renal disease since 2017. Principal Facilitator at Peter Tan Training specialising in Disability Equality Training. Former columnist of Breaking Barriers with The Borneo Post. This blog chronicles my life, thoughts and opinions. Connect with me on Twitter and Facebook. View all posts by Peter Tan