Water lily in Wuan‘s garden.

Another crossroad looms ahead. There have been too many this year. I am not complaining though. My life has changed for the better. There is a direction. There is a purpose now. There have been so many pleasant surprises and new discoveries in the past twelve months that the exhilaration of being able to do something new has somewhat worn off. The amazement of being able to accomplish the unimaginable has become a part of my life. Still, anxiety always precedes crossroads. The fear of the unknown and the treading into unfamiliar territory is always as unsettling.

Meetings after meetings people who have achieved more with less have inspired me to reach for greater heights. Where I once left it all to destiny, I am now attempting to create my own. For far too long, I have been waiting for that something good to happen to my life. Now, I realise that if I want things to happen, I must create an environment conducive for their birth and growth. This is what I am attempting to nurture in myself and the community that I live in. The only limit to what I can accomplish is the invisible boundary that I had imposed on myself. With the new-found motivation, I am slowly chiselling away at decades of conditioning that had been holding me back.

At the same time, being motivated comes with a price too. There are new avenues to explore and goals to achieve. Gone are the days of carefree complacence. Gone are the days of meekly swallowing the prejudices and discrimination against persons with disabilities as the norm. Gone are the days of self-oppression because of the skewed perceptions and poor understanding of my own capabilities.

This paradigm shift comes at a great cost to the limited resources in my possession. The satisfaction of being able to utilise those resources on productive endeavours is worth whatever I had spent on it. No longer can I sit back and idly watch the world go by. I have plunged in to the thick of action and have seen for myself the possibilities to make things better. Hopefully, I am able to play my part as and reverse the injustices perpetrated against people like me.

And this impending crossroad is one that will liberate me in many ways. It is about reclaiming my life, taking back what I have lost or gave up for more than two decades. Wuan has been instrumental in egging me into this journey of self-discovery. William has also played a part no less. It is the little things they did that made up the sum – interesting adventures here and there, pep talks when the occasion arises and encouragement when I lacked confidence.

They helped me realise the things that I thought I could never do again. That has made me recognize the fact that moving back into mainstream society is not that difficult after all. Some adjustments and adaptations are needed. Most people have to do that anyway when moving into a new environment. Mine should not be an exception. Going by that logic and with renewed confidence, I have decided that I want to move one level up. I am going to take driving lessons and subsequently get a car. I am going to go places. Life will never be the same again. It never has since the day God gently picked me up from the depths of despair and gave me a new lease on life. I am going to drive again! Picture that!

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Elaine and I at the Peer Counseling cum Workshop 2006.

Elaine is a fellow blogger and chat buddy. We first got acquainted through the MSN Messenger and later met at the Peer Counseling Seminar cum Workshop 2006 in early-June. The training was organised by the Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat and Japan International Cooperation Agency. This interesting young lady is fiercely ambitious. What struck me most is her love for God and positive outlook on life. I wished I had her grit when I was her age. That would have taken me far. Needless to say, her courage is an inspiration. Thank you, Elaine, for the good that you have instilled in me.

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Wuan accompanied me to the Lam Wah Ee Hospital for a scheduled checkup that was two months late because of my frequent commuting between Penang and Kuala Lumpur. As always, I sat there outside Mr. Liong’s clinic, shifting anxiously, wondering if my renal function had deteriorated from all the unsuitable diet that I had in Tokyo and Bangkok. It did not help that my urine has been murky of late.

When it was my turn to go into the clinic, the first thing that I normally observe is Mr. Liong’s expression. He was expressionless. That was not a bad thing actually. I would have been worried if he had asked me how often I perform my intermittent catheterisation. I tried to peek at the blood test result. It was not legible from where I was.

Mr. Liong then performed ultrasounds of my kidneys and bladder, explaining the conditions as they appeared on the screen. My left kidney is in a bad shape and shrunken. My bladder displayed classical signs of being neurogenic. There was nothing he could do he said. I just need to continue with what I have been doing and manage my diet. My creatinine level has stabilised at around 240 umol/l.

That was some good news although I need to be vigilant with what I put into my mouth and make sure that I perform intermittent catheterisation every three hourly as I have been doing wherever I am. My next scheduled checkup has been extended from three monthly now to six months once. That reprieve has given me time to do what I want to do most now – promote awareness on Independent Living and implement projects to empower and support disabled persons to achieve that.

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