Peter, Cheng Ee and I went to pay our respects to Mum on July 8, three days before her Third Death Anniversary as I had to come to Kuala Lumpur on that same day. It began to drizzle just as I alighted from the car. I have forgotten when I last said a prayer for Mum at the columbarium. Nevertheless, being there was enough to invoke sadness in me again. As always, I played the only two songs I know with the harmonica - What A Friend We Have in Jesus and Amazing Grace. Halfway through Amazing Grace, I was overcome by grief and broke down. Seeing her portrait in that niche stirred up so many emotions - the unsaid words, the emptiness, the pain…

This spectacular sight was spread across the evening sky after Sunset Mass one weekend in August this year. The double rainbow arches amazed me. As I sat there watching the colours fade into the dusk sky, I felt like a small kid again, excited at this unusual vista. I wondered what lay waiting at the ends of the rainbows. What would I discover there? Hope? I had hoped. Hope is all I have now, too. When faith falters, hope is all I have. Or should it be the other way around?

I am going to miss Penang. I am going to miss Ee Yean and Bryan, the two buddies that I have been hanging out a lot with lately, either in real life or in MSN. Most of all, I am going to miss this place that Mum and I had called home for nearly half a decade. Leaving those memories behind is painful indeed. She may have been gone for more than two years but her presence here is simply overwhelming. Without a doubt, there are still many things that I am reluctant to leave behind but the journey has to continue. I have to move on in order not to be sucked back into the dark vacuum that I once lived in.

Photos by Wuan.

It was a sunny morning last Saturday. The time had arrived for me to make good my pledge to the Hair For Hospice campaign. Wuan helped me into the barber shop. As soon as Thanabalan the barber turned on the electric shaver, the monotonous whirring sound stabbed me with a deep sense of an impending loss. Finally, the hair that I had came to love and preened for more than three years would be shorn off, bit by bit, until there was none. Images of the times when Mum had lovingly gathered them all together and made a pony tail swirled in my head. That was eight years ago. I had kept it long then but decided to cut it off for reasons I am unable to recall now. This time, I kept it even longer, to remind me of those times. It was coming off, all of it. For a few minutes, as Thanabalan was busy with his shaver on my scalp, I sat there silent and disconsolate. A part of me, my link to the past and to Mum, was being taken away from me, and I willingly allowed it.

Photos by Wuan.

Before long, all of it came off, including the ponytail that was shorn right off my scalp. Wuan held it up. For a moment, she stood there like a victorious headhunter with her prized scalp skinned off the warrior of an enemy tribe. I looked at her blankly. Another chapter of my life had come to a close. The long mane that I had lovingly washed and conditioned and combed has been stripped off me. I felt naked without the flowing hair covering parts of me. Another chapter has begun. I wondered what Mum would have said had she seen me that day.

Photos by Wuan.

Where I sat, there was no mirror, not that I wanted to see how I looked without a headful of hair. It felt weird. It felt cool. It felt light. Thanabalan took out the razor and proceeded to make it a clean shave. The rude scraping sounds as the sharp blade moved against the stubbles made me cringe. The last time I was partially shaved clean was when the neurosurgeon wanted to screw a pair of tongs for the skull traction. It was to release the compression of the fractured spine against the spinal cord. That did not work after seven weeks. I had to undergo surgery to remove the bone fragment and set the displaced vertebras right. My fifth and sixth cervical vertebras were fused together for added stability. The scars were still there after twenty one long years. Those were grim reminders of a time when I was carefree and careless. I reached out to the sides of my head and touched them. The scars were deeper than I had expected.

Photos by Wuan.

Within half and hour, it was all gone, the hair that had been part of me for many years. I looked at Wuan. She smiled back. I touched my now bald head. It was an uncanny sensation. The feeling of loss was even greater but there was also a sense of accomplishment. Surprisingly, I felt contented when Thanabalan made the last shave with the razor; certain that the money raised will be put to good use; certain that a handful of people out there will be able to get the palliative care to ease their momentary sufferings here; certain that Mum would have approved of this and would have encouraged me. That was what I had wanted to do since more than two years ago. I have done it. I am thankful. This is for you Mum!

Photo by Wuan.

For the twenty one years since being disabled, there was never one day I did not wish I could do something more either for myself or for the people around me, especially Mum. I had taken and I have taken. For many people, their lives revolved around me. They made sure my needs and interests were well taken care of.

Now I still have friends who took my well-being into consideration. I am thankful for that. They have sacrificed time, money and effort in making sure I am comfortable whatever my endeavor. As I have so often said, I am blessed. God have been merciful to have sent so many Samaritans along this arduous journey of mine. It was difficult but the many people along the way have made it more interesting. Thank you my dear friends. You know who you are.

In the twenty one years since being disabled, I have never had such a desire to accomplish something as I have done recently. Mum was the reason. Suanie gave me the impetus. Jason got it going when we talked about it in IRC. Four more brave generous souls joined in. This is more than I could have asked for. The Hair For Hospice donation drive has managed to garner RM5,170 in pledges to date. Thank you all for your generosity. And thank you all for allowing me to realize a two-year dream of doing something for the Hospice-At-Home Programme.

Nevertheless, the Hair For Hospice is not purely a donation drive, the other purpose being to create an awareness of the Hospice-At-Home Programme. Terminally ill patients and families of people so afflicted can get help to cope with the nursing and medical care and counseling during such distressing times in the comfort of their own homes, hospitals or nursing homes.

Palliative care is important for people who are fighting the toughest and in all probabilities the final battle of their lives. The core philosophy of the Hospice is that everyone has the right to die relatively pain-free and with dignity. That is what the Penang Hospice has been doing and they have done a good job, providing palliative care to all who need it, regardless of race or religion.

I can attest to that, having been at the receiving and of their selfless generosity during the most painful period of Mum’s and my life. Truly, I would not have known how to cope with the situation had it not been for the Penang Hospice. If there is any one word to describe them, I can only think of angels. They are beyond doubt angels in our midst.

There are many people to thank for giving me the opportunity to realize this dream. I would like to thank Dato Dr. T. Devaraj for giving me the authorization and provided me with the resources to carry this through. This meant the world to me. Thank you to Dr. Oo and Chitra of the Penang Hospice who had also helped me in many ways and I am grateful for their assistance and dedication to this cause. Special thanks go to Palliative Care Nurse Karen Gan who made Mum so comfortable during those final weeks and for helping dress my pressure sore. Please accept my sincerest gratitude. I would not have made it without your help. Thank you.

I would like to thank Jason Tee who got me off with this campaign, I would like to thank Bryan and Sharizal who volunteered to shave along with me. These guys are the greatest! And to Devyne who thought this is the right thing to do and also to dedicate her bald head to her aunt who is undergoing treatment in Singapore for cancer. God bless you and your aunt. And to Jason Lioh, the latest and last addition to the team, thank you for the sacrifice. You are all an inspiration to me. We hardly knew each other and you all stepped up to make a difference to people who need that help most.

Thank you to all bighearted donors who have helped us achieve the target. I can never thank you enough. A big thank you also go out to so many of you who have supported this campaign by promoting it in your blogs, through word of mouth and giving us publicity in the media. You will always be in my prayers. Please do not let this end. I hope those who have money to spare to continue supporting the Penang Hospice-At-Home Programme. They need all the support you can give to help others who need it. Know that your compassion will ease the pain of someone who is struggling to hang on. Giving them the dignity of palliative care is the least we can do for other fellow humans who are walking the last few miles of their lives. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. God bless.