Holding On

Mum has drifted into a world of her own now. She does not open her eyes. She is not responsive anymore although I know for sure she can hear. Every now and then, I would whisper into her ear telling her not to worry about me, that I will know how to care for myself. I urged her to go seek her own peace.

Wuan would call and I would place the phone on Mum’s ear. I know Mum is very fond of Wuan for she knows I am in good hands. Mum was immensely happy the week that Wuan was here because Wuan had looked after her well. Wuan would constantly tell Mum that she will take good care of me.

Mum has always, and still is despite her condition, worried about how I will be cared for when she is not around anymore. Wuan’s reassuring words have alleviated her worries somewhat.

Yet, I can sense that she is still fighting. Perhaps she is waiting for Wuan to come. Wuan had promised Mum that she will come see her this weekend.

I get Yanti to spoon-feed Mum with Jevity, an isotonic, fibre-fortified, high-nitrogen liquid formula that is her sole source of meal intake now. She swallows eagerly when fed, which is a good sign.

While I do not want Mum to suffer anymore, I will support her decision if she decides to fight on. Who am I to tell her to give up when she still has that yearning for life? I am not able to do much at this moment except to make sure that she is well taken care of like what she had done for me all these years.

All the same, I will give her the moral support and whatever that is needed to keep her hopes up. I am not expecting miracles but Mum has again and again showed her tenacity in overcoming great obstacles.

Author: Peter Tan

Peter Gabriel Tan. Penangite residing in the Klang Valley. Blissfully married to Wuan. A LaSallian through and through. Slave to three cats. Wheelchair user since 1984. End-stage renal disease since 2017. Principal Facilitator at Peter Tan Training specialising in Disability Equality Training. Former columnist of Breaking Barriers with The Borneo Post. This blog chronicles my life, thoughts and opinions. Connect with me on Twitter and Facebook.