Matters Of The Heart – Page 53 – Peter Tan

Packing For A Long Trip

Tokyo will be my first trip out of Malaysia in three decades. Unfortunately, Wuan could not go as my Personal Assistant (PA) because of work commitments. She is not too fond of the cold either. The temperature will be hovering around 0C to 10C. I am a little apprehensive of the extreme temperatures as well. Genting Highlands is already a tad too cold to my liking. The cold will definitely induce spasms in my limbs. I hope that will not affect me too much.

The training will overlap beyond the Chinese New Year celebrations. Since Dad and Mum are no longer around, I do not mind spending that period elsewhere. I remember the first time I spent the festive season alone after Mum passed away. It was a depressing time. Familiar surroundings without the familiar sights and sounds and elders to greet were just not the same.

Weather reports of Tokyo, KLIA and Penang have been included in the sidebar. I thought it would be interesting for Wuan and all who read my blog to know what I am experiencing in Tokyo. It will also be interesting to compare the temperatures and weather conditions of the three cities.

Wuan will be helping me to pack in a while. I would love to travel light but that is just not possible. I need a supply of adult diapers for the places where no accessible toilets are available. I am taking along clothes enough for five days and one set of winter wear. The heaviest among the items I will be lugging is a notebook and a digital camera. If there is a connection, I definitely will be blogging from Tokyo.

Moving On

Things that needed to be said were said today. Suppressed emotion poured out in torrents. Tears were shed unreservedly. Two and a half years of restraint has been partially set free. There were times when it threatened to blow up. It would have been an ugly scene. The heart is still tender, the recovery even slower. Life has to go on nonetheless.

Live Life Well

It took one and left many shattered in its aftermath. The irreplaceable lost will be felt for a long time. Some cry, some are stunned into silence but the innate agony of even the strongest will inevitably be brought to the surface. Tears will flow freely, whether out of sadness, out of guilt or for affections that will never be felt again, ever.

Death – I have been through six of people who are dearest to me. With each one, I thought the experience would progressively make me stronger in facing the next. I was wrong. With each, I grieved deeper. Now I am the only one left from my parents’ lineage. I try not to think too much about it but with my progressing frailty in health, I could smell it lurking around every turn.

There was a funeral last week. The patriarch of the family that I have known for more than twenty years passed away on Monday. I was privy to the intense grief that followed. Uncannily, I felt detached from all that. Perhaps death does not scare me anymore. I have come to see it as a process of life, which it truly is. We come into this world, we live, and then we die. That is an irrefutable fact.

Amidst all that grieving, a funeral should also be a celebration of a life well lived. For one last time, it should be a gathering of family and friends, coming together to honour the memory of that one person who had touched them one way or another. It should be a time of thanksgiving, sharing gratitude that our lives, whether we realise it or not, have been enriched by the deceased when he was alive. Death may be the end here but it is also heralds another beginning somewhere. A funeral should be a joyous occasion on that account.

Detached I may be from the grief; my being a spectator to the mourning was enlightening in many aspects. Living one day at a time is just not sufficient anymore. That one day must be well lived. It must be infused with meaning and purpose. Death – although it still lingers in my mind and is one leech that is difficult to shake off, it is also an impetus for me to make the best of what I have. Hopefully when I leave, mine will be one that celebrates a life well lived.