Today is the last day of the Chinese Lunar Year. Another season is coming to an end. This blog was launched just before the last Chinese New Year. What began as an experiment in self-promotion and self-aggrandizement turned out to be a documentation of the most poignant chapter of my life.
I am still incredulous at how much things can change within one short year. As I began to read those early entries, a sense of trepidation pervaded. I pondered over my innocence during those months that was about to be rudely shattered. As I relived the events that were unfolding, a sense of helplessness permeated through me. I wished I could have done something more, something different, to change the course of events.
Perhaps, had I been more concerned with the cough that just refused to go away in Mum, I could have helped her avert the complications that ensued. All the ?ifs? and the all possibilities that I could have done but did not haunted my conscience, but it will not do any good now. It has come to pass.
Perhaps, it was God?s way of leading me into His realm. I had never prayed so fervently with such sincerity and desperation as the night He took Mum back. If things had happened differently, I would not have seen what I saw that night and I would have continued being an agnostic.
In some ways, I am glad that I had started this blog. I had chronicled Mum?s final journey and recorded those significant instances where otherwise it would have slowly faded, and then lost, in the muddled nooks and crannies of my memory. I am glad that I was able to appreciate Mum more and share the story of her magnanimity with friends and strangers when otherwise it would have stayed obscure and unknown.
I am appreciative of the effort and ingenuity of the folks at Movabletype who had made the archiving of those moments simple and fuss-free. They have made it possible for me to express my innermost and heartfelt feelings. It was a great avenue for me to release those grief and sorrows in a constructive way.
This blog has helped me grow and understand myself better. It is a reflection of who I am and what I will grow to become. I will continue to chronicle my journey through life here. This is where my life is put into words. This is me.