A Little More Time

This is a beautiful morning. I woke up to a cool breeze. The sun has not gotten too harsh yet. It is all bright and cheery and so difficult not to be infected by the good spirits that is prevailing. It is such a stark contrast against the gloom that had hung over me yesterday. I thought about yesterday and the events that had unfolded since I left Dr. Liong’s clinic came rushing back in an unending torrent of despair.

What could I have done so wrong within those six months that could have caused my creatinine level to leapfrog to such a critical level? I have been cautious with my diet, counting the portions and all. Yes, there were times that I indulged but that was far and few in between. I have to keep a strict diet from now on. Indulgences will have to become a thing of the past.

Again, thoughts of death clung on to me, infusing into every cell in my body. I am not afraid of death itself but the process of dying. I fear the suffering, not of my own but the people who have to suffer along with me. I can fully relate to seeing death slowly eating away a loved one. I can relate to the feeling of helplessness and futility. The impotence of those moments was an absolutely traumatic experience.

I have been thinking about all the things that I have yet to accomplish. My time here is getting shorter by the day. I thought about Wuan and I wept. We had promised to grow old together. We had promised to still be holding each other’s hand and still be as loving even when we are into our sixties and seventies. I had promised to look after her to the best of my abilities. She had devoted so much of her life to me. She had made my life so much more meaningful and made those depressing moments easier to bear. She had been patient, understanding, and most of all, a faithful companion beyond compare. Of all things, I worry most for her.

I pray that God give her strength as He had always given me for us to surmount this uncertain period together. She had been really worried since I broke the news to her but Wuan being Wuan did only what she knows best – to cheer me up despite her own anxieties. She had always been concerned for my well-being and took the trouble to learn about my problems and adapted her lifestyle to accommodate me. God has truly blessed me with an angel of a friend. And I pray that He will continue to bless us and allow us to spend a little more time together than He had intended.

Author: Peter Tan

Peter Gabriel Tan. Penangite residing in the Klang Valley. Blissfully married to Wuan. A LaSallian through and through. Slave to three cats. Wheelchair user since 1984. End-stage renal disease since 2017. Principal Facilitator at Peter Tan Training specialising in Disability Equality Training. Former columnist of Breaking Barriers with The Borneo Post. This blog chronicles my life, thoughts and opinions. Connect with me on Twitter and Facebook.

17 thoughts on “A Little More Time”

  1. Perhaps it was fortunate to discover that your creatinine level was high now than later. Hope it’ll come down to a safe level soon.

  2. Bart,
    That was a scheduled six-monthly review. As I mentioned in an earlier comment, creatinine level seldom comes back down once it shoot up. I can only hope that what I am doing now will stabilise it. Thanks.

  3. Peter, I feel so sad reading this. Esp the part about you worrying for Wuan. Such is the power of love, you become selfless. I can relate to it. I’m hopeful that He listens.

  4. JustMe,
    What Wuan has done for me is second only to what Mum did for me. These two women are the greatest in my eyes. They have sacrificed a lot for me. No ordinary person ccould have done what they did. Whatever happens, I pray that God will keep Wuan safe.

  5. Cheer up Peter!! Like Bart said, at least you know it now than later. Take the necessary precautions and you will definitely be on the way to holding hands with Wuan till you both grow old 🙂 Wuan indeed is an angel sent from above.God will keep her safe always 🙂

  6. having met wuan and seeing the two of you together, the closeness you two enjoy together, indeed i can understand your feeling for wuan and vice versa. indeed wuan is an angel sent from above especially for you.

    peter, trust in the lord and put all your anxieties in him, he’ll know what’s best for you.

  7. Peter, think not of how much time you have left, but what you can do with the time you have, emphasis, “time you have” and not “time you still have”

    We’re all with you in prayer.

    take care, and remember 1 Peter 5:7

  8. An occasional lurker here. Wuan is such a special lady. The dedication she gives to you, this is the greatest of love a human can give.

  9. Cherry,
    I am going to miss my lamb chops, seafood and everything that will damage my kidneys further. I really wished I could grow old together with Wuan but that is for God to decide. Thank you for those kind words.

    Thanks. I will try to.

    I will do what I possibly can and leave the rest up to the Lord. He knows what is best for me. Thanks.

    As humans, we always try to fight the tide and forget about Him. Thank you for reminding me.

    Yes, Wuan is that special, and more. I am blessed. That is what I keep saying and that is very true. Thank you.

  10. Hi Peter,

    None of us know what happens to us next. All we can do is to treasure what we have now and live the best that we can. Will be praying for you and Wuan.

  11. Living with Spinal cord injury is like being reborn, you have to learn to live again.
    Yes, experence you gone through is absolutely tramatic. Belive me you are not alone and i fully understand your situation. you have come this far and please dont said death.. study shown life expectancy for people with SCI are continuing to increase. SCI patients have normal life expectancy somwahat the same as normal person without SCI.. just continue to looke after your body and keep up with your routine medical check-ups and most important keep your sense of humour !!

  12. Bless your heart Wuan….truly you are a devoted friend! Peter…My Mom & I pray for you every day…I SO hope things will get better & God will heal you! Take very good care!!! Love Koda

  13. I’ve always been blessed by this verse: Philippians 4:13. Hope it does the same for Wuan and you too.

    Find rest in the Shepherd.

  14. Koda,
    Thanks to youu and your mum. Peace be with you.

    Thank you for sharing. I am letting go and let God. He knows what is best for me.

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