Where Do I Go From Here?

Waterlily - after the rain
After the rain.
Photo by Wuan.

The damage has been done. There is absolutely no possibility of reversing the condition. Vesicoureteral reflux is one of the main causes of my chronic renal failure. Other contributing factors include several episodes of acute and chronic urinary tract infections, diet, travelling and stress. What is certain is that my kidneys will continue to fail up to a stage where I will need dialysis. That is the prognosis.

Accepting the condition, no matter how bleak the prognosis, is the only way to move on. I am one who likes to work with a lot of slack but this is not giving me much space to manoeuvre. Each time I think about it, I could feel the noose tightening around my neck. Living with so many restrictions, especially in my diet and the need to catheterise every three hours, is difficult but not unachievable. Adjustments have to be made.

Trips out have to be carefully planned. If need be, there must be food outlets nearby that are willing to cook to suit my diet or serve food that are suitable. Meals have to be taken at appropriate times to accomodate my medication. Clean accessible toilets have become even more important now. Water intake has to be regulated in order not to over or under-hydrate.

Those routines must be strictly adhered to from now on. Detrusitol must be taken one hour before food twice daily. The three doses of Ketosteril have to be spread out to optimise absorption. In between that, intermittent catheterisations have to be performed three-hourly. I am gradually getting used to this regiment. It is imperative that I abide by it to slow down the progression. This has become a do-or-die routine and I have chosen to live a little longer.

Where do I go from here? I asked myself that question a while back when I was struggling with housework and trying to maintain my diet. The weeks of soul searching after those weeks of depression has made me realise several things. The situation is neither as bad or as hopeless as it seemed. What I needed to do is to continue moving. Whether I like it or not, if I allow myself to wallow in the depths of despair, the world will continue to march on, with or without me. It is either that I keep up or be left behind. The competitive person that I was and still am, I dislike being a back marker.

This is one of those potholes in life. Sometime all is smooth. Sometimes it is a bumpy ride. I have survived twenty two years. I pray for another twenty to accomplish the things that I have set out to do. Knowing my own melancholic nature, depression will be a constant companion, more so when I can hear the seconds of my life ticking away loud and clear. There is a need to balance my emotional volatility in these areas. Keeping the occasional anxiety attacks at arm’s length will not be a simple task

However, I know for sure that Wuan will always be there to give me that little push from behind to keep me going. She is heaven-sent – an angel who is always there to brighten up my days. I have prayed for and have been bestowed with a purpose in life. I believe that when I bring hope for others, I am bringing hope for myself. There may be kinks along the way to slow me down but which of life’s major journeys do not? Despite what I have lost I can still count my blessings. There is only one way for me to go now. That way is forward, undoubtedly.

Author: Peter Tan

Peter Gabriel Tan. Penangite residing in the Klang Valley. Blissfully married to Wuan. A LaSallian through and through. Slave to three cats. Wheelchair user since 1984. End-stage renal disease since 2017. Principal Facilitator at Peter Tan Training specialising in Disability Equality Training. Former columnist of Breaking Barriers with The Borneo Post. This blog chronicles my life, thoughts and opinions. Connect with me on Twitter and Facebook.

16 thoughts on “Where Do I Go From Here?”

  1. *hugs*

    I just noticed the new category, ‘Wonderful Wuan’.

    She is heaven sent, even if we share different faith πŸ˜€

    *hugs* Indeed she is.

  2. when i have my new DLSR, must really ask you for some photography tips !

    Thank you for the compliments. Wuan took that photo. As for me, I usually shoot using the auto mode and not with a DSLR. I would love to own one though.

  3. wuan’s a darling.

    don’t forget you’ve got friends behind your back too =) see ya soon!

    I will not forget. πŸ™‚

  4. You just have to put your best foot forward, really. You are blessed with a great personality and you write so well and on top of that you have a great angel around you. There are always imperfection in life I guess, it just comes in different ways. I believe deeply in prayers and I am sure you do as well. Take care and have a good one, one day at a time. BTW, I am so envy of your waterlily because my pond looks awful compare to yours. Thanks for sharing that beautiful photo. Salam

    Life is always imperfect. We have to make do with what we have. I am trying. That is Wuan’s lily pond. The plants are thriving there. πŸ™‚

  5. All the best Peter,Stand up and face it. Don’t worry we will all be behind you, no matter what. REmember he is for you and not against you! He will always be there to be with you.. Take care and God Bless!

    Thank you. You always have encouraging words to perk me up.

  6. With your deep faith in God and the many blogger friends you have made and who are always there for you, you will make it. If there’s any way I can help please let me know. All my best wishes.

    Blogging has given me a lot. Friendship is one of those. Thank you. I will keep what you said in mind.

  7. Wuan deserves a pat on the back:-) Good job.


  8. We are all winners in a way. You are a winner. Champion of your own cause. You are surrounded by beautiful people. All the best, Uncle.

    Yes we are and yes I have beautiful friends. At times like this, I am glad there are there to egg me on. Thanks.

  9. *hugz* i agree with the phrase “He is for u and not against u”! i am also facing some health issues very lately, but i believe that He knows the very best for us! i’ll keep u in my prayers πŸ˜‰ take care yea?

    Thank you. *hugs*

  10. I feel that when we are left with not much choices, we will somehow cope with whatever path that is open to us. As you have mentioned, the adjustments that have to be made may be difficult but not unachievable. My believe is that when God closes a door, he always leave the windows open. Ultimately if we believe we can do it, we can.

    Oh yes, many doors have been opened when others were closed. That I can attest to. πŸ™‚

  11. Yes we all have ups and downs in life. I have a family friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer and she was given 3 months to live. It has now been a year and she is still thriving. Although our minds are always tuned to despair and sadness, we must not let it take over us. You must believe in yourself that you can surpass this obstacle for you have greater things to achieve. Don’t give up hope for there are many others who want you to bring hope to them. And for years to come, your name shall be known among all, the person who has brought to many, a purpose in life. Good luck and stay cheerful always, medicine helps but they actually depend on your state of mind as well. Keep on smiling! It really helps!

    I will keep these words in mind. Thank you.

  12. Today’s comment I shall refrain myself from saying something bad.. Just wanted to say you have left footprints not only in my heart but in everyone that you have met. You will always be the great person we know. And a strong and courageous one. You the man dawg!!! You will always be in my thoughts, my fren. Roads are meant to be travelled and mountain to be climbed. Push on!!! Just take it one day at a time…one moment at a time.

    One day at a time. Thank you. I will remember that.

  13. Hi Peter,

    I stumbled upon your blog through google while researching about congestive heart failure for my brother who is stricke w/ this condition. I’m truly amazed by the power of your words & the beauty of your soul throughout this entire ordeal. You’ve been through so much, but you still remain spirtually and emotionally loyal to God. I truly believe that what doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger. Please stay strong, Peter, for your sake and your beloved Wuan’s sake. I’m completely new to your blog but I trusly wish you well! All the best to you *hugs*

    Thanks. I hope you have found the information you were looking for. May your brother stay strong too. Take care.

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