In Memoriam – Mum’s Fourth Death Anniversary

Four years have passed yet the pain remains. Each time thoughts of you filled my mind, I wondered if I had done enough – enough in fulfilling my duty to you as a son; enough in making you comfortable during those final months; enough in easing the agony that cut through your very soul each time the effects of the painkillers wore off.

I blame myself. I blame myself that I did not spend more time with you. I thought you were going to recover. I thought we had more time. I was wrong. Time was never on our side. You left. And life was never the same again.

There were times when I desperately wanted to remember that one moment you said, “Don’t go. Come sit here.”

You were already bedridden then. Tried I did but there is no recollection of what happened. Did I sit by your side? Did we have a conversation? I do not remember. I do not remember. I DO NOT REMEMBER!!! I mourn for that gap in my memory, the one that would have meant a lot to you as it was to me.

Four years have passed. I miss you now as much as I missed you four years ago. Never a day passes without me praying that you are well where you have gone to. May the Lord’s perpetual light shine upon you. Rest in peace Mum. You are truly home now.

Author: Peter Tan

Peter Gabriel Tan. Penangite residing in the Klang Valley. Blissfully married to Wuan. A LaSallian through and through. Slave to three cats. Wheelchair user since 1984. End-stage renal disease since 2017. Principal Facilitator at Peter Tan Training specialising in Disability Equality Training. Former columnist of Breaking Barriers with The Borneo Post. This blog chronicles my life, thoughts and opinions. Connect with me on Twitter and Facebook.

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