Today has got to be one of the worst days of my life, ever. The moment I opened my eyes this morning, gloominess descended on me. It was as if it had been waiting all night to mercilessly pounce on me and devour me whole. Devour? Eat? That has become one word that I dread.
Lunch and dinner? What are those? I have not had a proper meal in days. I was too lazy to cook. When I did cook, it was always the same tasteless meals that left piles of dishes and cooking utensils to clean up afterwards. Eating outside food is convenient but those are the factors that will contribute to damaging my kidneys even more. My health is definitely suffering and on a downward spiral.
This is really a case of damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Add a failed bowel programme a while ago and the depression began to mount to such an extent that I feel I am hopelessly pinned in a continuous cycle of despair and desperation – desperation to shake it off but not knowing how.
Many times, I felt like screaming out those heartrending words Jesus cried out as he hung from the cross, “Eloi eloi, lama sabachthani?” Yet again and again, my conscience unsympathetically reminded me that it is I who had forsaken Him by allowing myself to sink into an abyss of debauchery and filth and refusing to pull myself out of it.
Indeed, today has got to be the worst day of my life. What will tomorrow bring? Dare I close my eyes and dream it all away? If only that is possible. Today had been the lowest of the lows. I shudder to think what awaits me as I open my eyes next.