Today has got to be one of the worst days of my life, ever. The moment I opened my eyes this morning, gloominess descended on me. It was as if it had been waiting all night to mercilessly pounce on me and devour me whole. Devour? Eat? That has become one word that I dread.

Lunch and dinner? What are those? I have not had a proper meal in days. I was too lazy to cook. When I did cook, it was always the same tasteless meals that left piles of dishes and cooking utensils to clean up afterwards. Eating outside food is convenient but those are the factors that will contribute to damaging my kidneys even more. My health is definitely suffering and on a downward spiral.

This is really a case of damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Add a failed bowel programme a while ago and the depression began to mount to such an extent that I feel I am hopelessly pinned in a continuous cycle of despair and desperation – desperation to shake it off but not knowing how.

Many times, I felt like screaming out those heartrending words Jesus cried out as he hung from the cross, “Eloi eloi, lama sabachthani?” Yet again and again, my conscience unsympathetically reminded me that it is I who had forsaken Him by allowing myself to sink into an abyss of debauchery and filth and refusing to pull myself out of it.

Indeed, today has got to be the worst day of my life. What will tomorrow bring? Dare I close my eyes and dream it all away? If only that is possible. Today had been the lowest of the lows. I shudder to think what awaits me as I open my eyes next.

Author: Peter Tan

Peter Gabriel Tan. Penangite residing in the Klang Valley. Blissfully married to Wuan. A LaSallian through and through. Slave to three cats. Wheelchair user since 1984. End-stage renal disease since 2017. Principal Facilitator at Peter Tan Training specialising in Disability Equality Training. Former columnist of Breaking Barriers with The Borneo Post. This blog chronicles my life, thoughts and opinions. Connect with me on Twitter and Facebook.

13 thoughts on “Damned”

  1. I guess this Friday is gonna be a good day. I will be free the whole day, so let’s go out makan! We can try some organic foods if you want.

    Saturday is gonna be another good one too. Dr. Oo is inviting us to Rumah Hospice for some gathering. Will let you know further once I get the details from Dr. Oo.

    See, there are still lots of good days to be enjoyed. 🙂

  2. Loneliness, helplessness, self-persecution, low self-esteem and low motivation are all part of I believe what you are going through at this moment in time. Also contributed to this predicament of yours are your poor physical health especially, bowel movement and pressure sores. I know how much you have suffered and independent living has made it much more difficult to cope in this current situation. There are a large number of individuals going through what you are going through at the moment all the time. In a way you are rather lucky in having a wide circle of friends who are coming forward to offer their valued assistance. So, Peter, pick yourself up. Be positive and each morning when you open your eyes, just sing ‘I feel good—–‘. God bless.

  3. it is indeed difficult to pull yourself out of depression once it hits. I’ve had bouts of that too. I sometimes feel that I’d rather wallow in self-pity because it’s an easier option, rather than put in the effort to lift myself out of the dark hole. but take heart, Peter. tomorrow is another day, another chance. a fresh new start, yes? 🙂

  4. Take heart my fren… as long as you don’t give up… there are more happy and courageuos days ahead… fight on my friend

  5. Peter,I always believe that this is just a stage in life that God wants to test us,He just want to test our faith in Him. Keep the fire burning,look to him and He will be there to guied us,Draw near to him and he will draw near to us. I leave you with this prayer that i got from a church at NZ,am leaving alone now and at times its just hard to pull thru but this prayer has pull me thru,hope it will helped you as well.

    A Prayer For Those Who Live Alone

    I live alone dear Lord,
    Stay by my side,
    In all my daily needs,
    Be Thou my guied
    Grant me good health,
    For that indeed i pray,
    To carry on my work
    From day to day.
    Keep pure my mind,
    My taughts, my every deed,
    Let me be kind, unselfish
    In my neighbours need.
    Spare me from fire, froom flood,
    From malicious tongues,
    From thieves, from fear,
    And evil ones.
    If sickness or an accident befall,
    Then humbly, Lord, I Pray,
    Hear Thou my call.
    And when am feeling low,
    Or in dispair,
    Lift up my heart,
    And help me in my prayer.
    I Live alone dear Lord,
    Yet have no fear,
    Because I feel your presence
    Ever Near. Amen.

    Hopefully it would help you. Although i know the sickness pary is hard, but surrender everything into His hands,have Faith and am sure you will be healed one day! Take care and MAy God guied and Bless you always…

  6. hey, i’ll be coming to August okayyyyy. If I have to then i cook for you lohhh. see I so nice. Just tell me what you can’t have – salt, oil, etc =PP

  7. I too can echo these sentiments of yours. Somehow, someway you must keep the hope alive, and you will be lifted out of this spiral. Think about something, anything small that would help you, and post what it is that will help you. Someone will read it and come to your aid, but it may not be in the form you think you are asking for.

    I am sorry and very sympathetic to what you are going thorugh …. I too had a terrible accident and I am a single mom caring for a disabled child. I acutally start to feel sorry for myself sometimes, because the pain coupled with my responsibilities becomes almost unbearable. I feel like a failure and that I am lettign God down by not getting better and fighting harder. And then I am reminded that someimes the lesson is not in fighting harder, but in remaining more silent and finding that peace even in the deepest of pain and dispair.

    Patience. Patience. Even if you stay in your current state for even longer, it will not last. Something will change.

    Be careful. Depression and hopelessness is a black monster indeed. It had Churchill in its grips for long periods. You will emerge. Be careful with your strength. Do not push yourself harder than you can mentally handle.

    My prayers are with you.

    Don’t be shy about venting how badly you feel. People who have not been in your position cannot possibly imagine the pain you go through even though they try. Its ok to vent it out. Its ok to let it go, and then someohow you must move on and leave the despair behind.

    Peace and hope and may somethign to ease your burden come your way soon…. sometimes you just have to be specific and ask, even if it does not come right away.

    Focus all your energies on yourself and finding your way back to peace and balance.

    AND DO NOT GIVE IN TO THE FAST FOOD TEMPTATIONS, it is an immediate gratification that has consequences that last far too long. I usually bring my own food along to one of those restaraunts because I too cannot eat that kind of food. I find one small thing on the menu that will not devastate my system, and then I get the pleasure of being around people and changing from the day to day activities that can drag a person down.

    You are so valued. And I am sorry very sorry about your pain. May this terrible period pass sooner rather than later. But if it later rather than sooner may you find peace within the pain and depression and emerge stronger than you thought would be possible.

  8. Hey don’t worry man, when things are at its worst , it can only get better.

  9. Peter

    Hang in there buddy. Whatever is bothering you, just reassured – there are more people who are concerned about you … 20 comments above me cannot be wrong!

    God bless buddy


  10. bro, you should just eat what we called Thong Farn – Soup Rice. Cook some stocks and let them simmer while u work. Once cool, separate them in individual packing. Freeze till use. Then use some vege, meat or seafood or even egg. Sauteed the ingredient till fragrant, then add in the rice and stir for under 1 minute. Then pour in the stock. Simmer and season ( less than a minute ) Its easy, nutritious and simple. No salt for you though.

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