Utter Helplessness

Mum developed tremors in both her arms and legs just recently. What began as slight twitchings grew into spasms so strong that she could hardly stand, let alone walk. She lies down on the bed most of the time now. There is this sudden realisation that Mum is sicklier than I had led myself to believe. Perhaps, I had been in denial regarding her condition. It is hard to believe that the woman who has taken care of me almost all of my life needs to be taken care of now. In my mind, she had always been invincible. If there is any person who epitomises the phrase “Never say die” it must be Mum. She is one who perseveres on a task, however daunting, to completion.

It greatly pains me to see her in this condition. There is this sense of utter helplessness – wishing that I could help relieve her sufferings but not knowing what to do. There were times when I was on the verge of breaking down because there were so many things that I could do to make her more comfortable but unable to because of my disabilities. She had devoted almost four decades of her life looking after me, two decades of it making sure I was comfortable despite my disabilities and there is not much I can do for her in her time of need.

Author: Peter Tan

Peter Gabriel Tan. Penangite residing in the Klang Valley. Blissfully married to Wuan. A LaSallian through and through. Slave to three cats. Wheelchair user since 1984. End-stage renal disease since 2017. Principal Facilitator at Peter Tan Training specialising in Disability Equality Training. Former columnist of Breaking Barriers with The Borneo Post. This blog chronicles my life, thoughts and opinions. Connect with me on Twitter and Facebook.