Pent-up cravings are dangerous. They make me eat more than I should in moments of weakness, break my low-protein diet and cause me to worry no end if I had caused my kidneys more damage. Most of those cravings are for meat dishes, if not meat then food high in purine and those that make me itch.

After 6 years of attempting to carefully watch my diet, I still succumb to such temptations every now and then, especially when Wuan and I make trips to Ipoh and Penang. There are simply too much good food in these two places to ignore. It is in Ipoh that I usually throw caution to the wind; invariably, at Restoran Wong Koh Kee, where the food is simply too delicious to resist.

Thankfully, it is not that often we travel up north to these two food paradises. Thankfully, too, Wuan keeps a close watch on what I put into my mouth. The look in her eyes when I am about to binge is enough to tame my cravings, however great they may be. She also keeps my diet in check by ensuring that my lunch on most weekdays are healthy and balanced.

Life is less flavourful when I need to watch what I eat all the time. I console myself with the fact that there are more interesting things to life than just delicious food. There are still sights to see, sounds to hear and sensations to feel. Being able to fully enjoy three out of those four is not that bad. Most importantly, I am alive. That desire to be alive longer so that I can spend more time with Wuan is the best deterrent to not succumb to my cravings.

They may be mere digits on the monitor but they tell a lot. They determine my life’s direction, whether I take the right fork or the left. One will be a journey longer than the other. Where one prolongs, the other hastens. Inexplicably, both will lead to the same conclusion at some point in time. There is no escaping.

I wonder how I will choose when the time comes. I am glad I do not have to make that choice yet, or so I thought. The 3 digits that mattered most were 294, 294 umol/L creatinine that is, from the blood sample taken in December 16, 2009 as compared to the previous serum creatinine count of 299 umol/L, according to the attending doctor this morning. The KUB (Kidneys-Ureter-Bladder) ultrasound done in February 11, 2010, as expected, showed little change from the previous report as was confirmed by the radiologist when I asked her, which is a good thing.

As I went through the entry on my renal profile and KUB posted on June 2, 2009, I discovered suspiciously similar results, 294 umol/L for the latest results as compared to 299 umol/L for the previous. Surely, there is a mistake somewhere. The blood test results before the sample taken in December 16, 2009 should show 294 umol/L and not 299 umol/L.

Thinking back, I guess I have an idea of what happened. The blood sample taken in December 16, 2009 must have been misplaced somewhere along the chain of process. It was not extracted at the laboratory as is the usual procedure but at the rehabilitation clinic. Therefore, what I thought was the result for the December 2009 sample was in actual fact from May 2009. There is no result from December 2009.

I assumed. I was mistaken. I guess the doctor who attended to me this morning did not know a test was ordered to be done in December 2009 by another doctor. Somebody messed up my blood test but I am not going to pursue this. Anyway, the doctor has ordered a renal function, liver function, lipid profile and blood glucose be done before my next appointment in August. Till then, there is no reprieve for me yet.

The holidays after the weekend is over. I am glad. It took me this long to recover from those four days of excesses. Weekends and holidays allow Wuan and I to spend the whole day together. We only get to see each other for a few hours on weekdays. But holidays make me sick. There are just too many things to do, too much excitement, too little routine and practically no time for rest. Contrary to my perception of my adaptability, I thrive on routine. I like the routine that I keep. It gives me a sense of control on my life.

My weekdays are very structured; I keep to a low-protein diet, drink every hour, catheterise every three hours and take plenty of rest in between. This routine keeps me alive and healthy, to a certain extent. It slows down the progression of my renal failure. Holidays and weekends are different. We are usually out for the entire day. It is difficult to adhere to the diet when temptations abound. I do not drink as much to reduce the need to look for accessible toilets. Clean ones are difficult to come by. People here simply do not know how to use public toilets and keep it clean and dry for the next person.

After a couple of years of living outside my comfort zone, I have retreated back into it. Loving my weekday routine is proof of that. This is not necessarily a good thing but not a bad thing either. Trying to fit into the mainstream is taxing especially when the environment is fraught with barriers. My energy level is already below its midway mark. Traversing the attitudinal and physical barriers takes a big chunk out of that. I have a choice; fight it and get burnt out at the end of the day or take a step back and preserve my energy for more worthy endeavours. The latter seems more sensible, for now.